


Faded

by JessicaMariana



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Trespasser, Angst, Character Death, Death, F/M, Ghosts, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 04:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20370691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessicaMariana/pseuds/JessicaMariana
Summary: It is said that your spirit passes through the Fade when you die…I thought it was just a dream.





	Faded

_ It is said that your spirit passes through the Fade when you die… _

I thought it was just a dream.

_ I must be dreaming, _ I told myself.

I’m standing alone in the Fade, like countless nights before, but as I look around, as I see the world move before me and try to move with it, I realise that it’s not a dream. I can’t do the things I usually am able to.

I can’t wake up.

Time in the Fade doesn’t work like it does in the waking world. But I can tell I’ve been here for a long time. Weeks or months, if not even years… 

I try to look for a rift through which I could escape, climb out, be free. Like at Adamant. But I have done a good job of closing them. Those that are left are far away, beyond my reach. I can't open another either. For some reason the Anchor Corypheus’ orb had marked me with won't work. Could it be a side-effect for breaking the orb? I now feel more lost than ever before.

_ It’s been over a year since we defeated Corypheus _ , I think as I clench my hand before me. The world is at peace. I should be too…

At the back of my mind I curse myself for not listening more closely whenever a Chantry Sister began to preach. I was uninterested, I didn’t believe.

I look up at the sky and see the only constant of the Fade: The Black City, floating just out of reach, casting a vast shadow over the landscape beneath.

_ Even if the Maker existed, He wouldn’t care for me, _ I think as I move my feet, one in front of the other. _ I’m a mage. _

I’m starting to panic; my heart beats harder in my chest, and my breath catches. I don’t want to stay stuck in the Fade. Here I’m easy prey for any demon that may cross my path.

I try not to linger on that thought. It might attract attention. Who knows what kinds of powers demons have in the Fade. I've come across quite a few in my time but certainly not all.

I lose track of time. I keep my feet moving, never getting exhausted. I don’t eat, I don’t drink. I try to sleep, but find it a waste of time lying on the hard ground, staring at the green sky in silence, not feeling the familiar, heavy pull that should close my eyes. I don’t know how long I’ve wandered, or where I am anymore. The Fade is infinite and shapes itself around each individual.

I’m alone.

I don’t have any first-hand encounters with any spirits or demons. At least not to my knowledge. I spot one or two every now and then, skulking in the distance, then I change tracks and walk in the opposite direction. I could be walking in circles for all I know.

I wonder if I’m making any progress when I accidentally walk into an area filled with tiny wisps. I freeze, afraid of what they’ll do to me, but they don’t stir. It’s as if I’m not there. I can’t help but wonder why. The living are supposed to attract demons like bees to honey.

That should have been my first clue that something was amiss.

I continue my quest to find an open rift. I pass the time by making up stories in my mind, and then watch as my surroundings read them and try to make them come to life.

I wonder if I’m ever going to find my way out. But I hope. I hope that I will complete my task sooner or later. It’s all I can do. It’s what keeps me grounded, what keeps me sane.

_ If there is a Maker out there _ , I murmur under my breath.  _ Let me find a way out! _

I come to the top of a small hill, and what I see before me, just some ten feet away, makes my heart skip a beat. An open rift. I start to run. I go as fast as my feet can move. I can see something beyond the thin veil of shifting greens. I stop.

Slowly, I reach out my left hand, my marked hand. Something shifts against it on the other side. The wind: a warm breeze caressing my skin, calling out to me, welcoming me back.

Excited, I push through entirely and step out into the glaring daylight. I shield my eyes from the sun and wait a moment for them to adjust before I look around. It’s a place I have never seen before: all around me is a vast landscape of wilted, brown crops. On the horizon I can just make out a small house, but it is abandoned, as I find out upon approaching it.

I rest in the shadows just inside the wide door frame of the adjoining barn. I watch the sun slowly make its way across the sky and then sink to give way to familiar fields of stars and the two moons. Under their cool light I continue my journey, hoping to find a village where I can get my bearings and a good, hot meal.

I follow a small road from the farmhold. Only an hour later do I find myself in the closest village. The houses are all dark. It’s not that odd since it’s gone quite late. I walk down the main street, searching for anyone to speak with. The local tavern still has its doors open, and I can hear the faint murmuring of villagers from inside. I follow the sounds until I’m at the door. I look inside. Only a handful of men occupy the small space. I swallow. My stomach twists. I’ve never been good at approaching strangers, but I have to find out where I am and how to get back to Skyhold.

_ Skyhold. Bull. Varric. My friends. They must all wonder what’s become of me. _

A cheering and the clanking of wooden mugs pull me back to the present. Some of the men congratulate another for something he’s done, and I can immediately tell by their accent that they’re from Starkhaven.

_ So I’m in the Free Marches. It’s going to be a long trek back to Orlais. _

I consider visiting my family since I’m so close to Ostwick, but the thought doesn’t take root. They never cared much for me, especially not since they sent me to the Circle.

I turn around to leave, and almost walk into a villager. I apologise and step aside, but the man doesn’t respond. It’s like he didn’t hear me. Or see me.

I try to put the small incident out of my mind, and focus on starting my journey south. Having rested during the day I’m now full of energy and can leave at once. I head west along the Minanter River towards the Nevarran border, avoiding the Vimmarks and their vertical ground. Going by night allows me to stay cool and energised, but also doesn’t allow me to see anyone on the way. I feel lonely; like I’m the last living person in Thedas. I run across animals - ram and fennec mostly, and occasionally a deer or two - but they’re no company for me. Eventually I decide to stop one night, to change my routine and travel by day instead. Maybe then I can see some people. I have also gotten south enough so the days aren’t too warm for me.

That night, as I sit by a small fire, I stare into the light and let my mind wander. I don’t notice when the sun rises. I’m only roused when I hear dogs barking somewhere on the road. I look up to see a lone man walking along, two noble mabari hounds on his heels sniffing the ground. One of them lifts its head and looks at me with its head tilted. As they get closer, I shift uncomfortably where I sit leaned against a tree trunk. The dog that has seen me comes over to me, stubby tail wagging happily as it sniffs my hair. The other dog doesn’t so much as look in my direction, and neither does the owner. I greet the man, but he simply passes by without a word. I frown, but say nothing more. The friendly dog meanwhile licks my cheek appreciatively, and I can’t help but to laugh and pet it.

“You should return to you master,” I say. “before he goes too far without you.”

The dog whimpers sadly and bows its head, but doesn’t move. I get to my feet quickly to shout after the man.

“Excuse me,” I call after him, but get no reaction. “Your dog, messere!”

The dog nudges my leg, and I look down. But it’s gone. I look around but find no trace of it.

_ It couldn’t have been my imagination. _ I stroke my still wet cheek. No, definitely not my imagination. So where did it go? I call for the dog, whistle after it, but there is no sign of it. I hope it went back to its master who has now disappeared around a bend ahead.

I sit back down under the tree to put out the fire, and when I glance up, the friendly dog is back. It sits beside me by the fire, watching me calmly with its dark eyes. I rise on my knees, my eyes still on the animal. As I do, I notice that the further I get up, the harder it becomes to see the dog. When I stand up straight it vanishes completely. I sit down again, and the dog is there.

“What are you?” I ask the dog, which barks once in response. “Right...” Could it be under some kind of spell? If so it’s like magic I’ve never seen. Or could it be a spirit? Or the ghost of a dog? Maybe that is why the man didn’t react to it missing; because it never existed? Then how come I can see it?

As if reading my mind, the dog gets up and scoots closer to me and rests its head in my lap.

_ It acts like any other dog _ , I note.  _ What’s the harm in taking it with me? _

“Do you have a name?” I ask, though I know it can’t answer. I smile, remembering Beast, the dog I used to walk for the Champion of Kirkwall. This one reminds me of him. “Do you want to come with me? I’m sure you’d like to see Ferelden.”

The dog wags its tail happily, and when later I leave the resting place by the tree, it follows me with light, bouncing steps.

The dog and I make our way down the Imperial Highway, south past Cumberland to then follow it west along the coast of the Waking Sea. In the weeks that follow I find that I don’t need as much rest as I would usually do. I don’t sleep as much, and when I do I first spend hours lying awake with my eyes closed just wishing for it to take me. On the other hand I'm somewhat relieved. The events in the Fade still scare me and I have no hurry to go back, even in dreams.

I don’t have much of an appetite either. I eat - as I’ve always done - unconsciously, but I feel like I don’t necessarily need it. The same goes for drinking. I wonder why. But as we’re getting closer to the south-eastern parts of Orlais I get too excited to worry about such a thing. After all, it’s not having any negative effects on me. My first priority is still to get back home.

“Look there,” I say to Shadow, as I've come to name the dog, as the snow-capped Frostback Mountains come into view on the horizon. “There it is. We’re almost home.”

We wander for another few days, never stopping, but keeping a slow enough pace that Shadow can freely sniff around. As we begin the ascent into the mountains my heart begins to beat faster. I think back on the days my friends and I spent in the Herald’s Rest having fun drinking and gambling, and the quiet moments alone with Bull, wrapped in his warm, strong embrace.

A wave of loneliness washes over me, and I stop to hug Shadow. He’s been a great comfort at moments like these during the journey when I lose focus on the task at hand. I feel blessed to have him at my side.

Night falls when Skyhold comes into view. The small windows around the fortress glow orange with candle light. I sigh, happy to have finally come back. I decide that it’s better to wait until morning before going back, so that people may know that I’m there.

I set up a small camp consisting of only a fire just beneath the tower to the bridge.

When the sun first shows itself beyond the mountains to the east the next morning, I cross the bridge. I keep glancing up at the two towers on the other end.

_ Is Cullen watching my approach?  _ I wonder and imagine him standing up there in his usual spot by the narrow window.  _ Is he sending people to greet me? Or has a guard noticed me first and is forwarding the message to the next man on the ramparts? _

I swallow hard and turn my hands over one another. I can’t believe how nervous I am.  _ Why am I nervous? I have nothing to be nervous about. I’m just coming home. How many times have I not crossed this bridge already? _

_ Snap out of it _ , I tell myself and slap my cheeks.

I reach the iron gates at the other end and enter the courtyard. People are already milling about. The grand stairs up to the main hall is packed.

Confused and curious I cross the large space to see what’s going on. I have to squeeze between people here and there to get through.

I stop dead in the middle of the upper yard outside the tavern where the line begins. Why are there so many people here? I’ve never seen its like.

“Uhm, excuse me,” I say to a passing runner, grabbing her by the shoulder, but she doesn’t stop, so I try another, but he doesn’t stop either. It is like I am invisible. I cross my arms over my chest, pouting, when suddenly something hits me from behind. I turn around just in time to see Blackwall pass me.

“Blackwall!” I exclaim, happy to see a familiar face. But he disappears into the crowd.

“What the Void is going on?” I cry out. Shadow nudges my legs, and hear his faint whimper. “Hello?” I shout out to the crowd, feeling the frustration build inside me.

Not a single soul stirs. I clench my teeth and flex my hands. I have the urge to punch the next person who ignores me.

Then I have an idea. I enter the Herald’s Rest, to go find Bull in his usual seat at the back. His seat is empty, though, and my heart sinks. He must be in the main hall with everyone else. And so I remember the back entrance through the kitchen in the basement. I hurry back into the courtyard and take a right down the stairs along the battlements to the lower yard. I run around the outside of the rotunda and up the stairs to the kitchen. The staff is busily scurrying about the small space and I do my hardest not to get in anyone’s way as I pass. I shove the door open on the other side and continue through the empty lower hall and then upstairs. I stop when I reach the door into the main hall. It’s open and I peek out, but can’t seem much. Everyone seems to have gathered around the back by the dais. However, the throne doesn’t seem to be there.

I push my way into the crowd. I want to see what it is that is so fascinating that every noble and other important people from far and wide seems to have gathered. I can make out Bull at the very front. Being a head taller than most makes him hard to miss. I keep my feet moving. One by one I make out my friends: all of them are here. It’s so good to see them all again. My heart is beating like crazy.

The moment I reach Bull’s side I look up at his face. But the expression on it sends my happiness out the window. He’s sad. I look over at the others standing at his sides. All have their heads bowed. Frowning, I turn around to the middle of the small cleared space of the dais. The sight before me is so weird that I don’t know how to react. There is a neatly stacked, rectangular pile of large logs, the cracks stuffed with hay. On top of it lies a young woman dressed in finery, her auburn curls hiding most of her pale face. Her arms lie crossed over her stomach. There is no mistaking the scars that cover the left one.

_ That’s me..? _

A rough shudder shoots up my spine and I feel nauseous. The world spins before me, and I have to grab hold of something to stay upright.

_ That can’t be right. I’m right here! No, no no no no. What’s happening? Fuck. Why am I- What... I can’t believe it. Please Maker, let this be a dream! A nightmare. I’m still in the Fade, aren’t I? I’m just sleeping. Any moment now I’ll wake up and find myself in Bull’s arms. _

I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can. When I open them… I’m still in the main hall.

That’s when I notice how quiet it is despite the hall being filled. There’s a soft murmur from the back, but it’s barely audible. I force myself to move, to look away.

Leliana, Josephine and Cullen stand together at the end of the half circle, quietly conversing in whispers. Blackwall clears his throat beside them, and Sera rubs her eyes and swears under her breath. Varric shifts his weight from one foot to the other and gently pats Cole on the back.

“Friends. Lords and ladies.” Josephine steps out of the gathering to stand before the crowd. Her voice easily carries over the hush. “We gather here on this day to bid farewell to Lady Inquisitor Jaca Trevelyan, Herald of Andraste, and beloved friend.”

As she finishes, a chanter steps up beside her to recite the Chant of the Departed.

Everyone bows their heads deeper. My knees feel a little weaker and I note Shadow huffing beside me. Then the crowd begins to part in the middle. And I can only watch in horror as another priest steps into the hall, walking down the cleared path with a torch held high above them. I tear my eyes from the flickering flame. I look at Bull who bites his lip to keep the moisture in his good eye from falling down his cheek. Vivienne keeps her chin raised proudly, but doesn’t look as smug as she usually does. Cassandra and Dorian shift uneasily at Bull’s side, watching the priest’s slow, ceremonial process.

I look back at Varric and Cole. Varric cries openly but quietly, and Cole-

I freeze when I notice that he’s looking straight at me. He can’t be looking at me, he must be looking at something behind me. No one can see me! But even so… I can feel his intense gaze on me. I hesitantly look away and then back. He’s still looking at me. I can’t stand it. It feels wrong. I slip into the crowd behind Bull to avoid him and watch the rest of my funeral from the shadows.

The moment the pyre is lit and the chanter falls silent, the crowd steadily exit the hall back into the courtyard. I recognise most faces from my journeys with the Inquisition: there are nobles and farmers alike, all come to Skyhold.  _ For me. _ I am one of the last to stay in the hall. Even though the high stained windows at the back have been removed to let the smoke out, it stings my eyes, and I couldn’t even begin to describe the smell.

_ I can’t believe I’m dead.  _

When I turn to leave, I notice a lone dwarf standing in the back corner by the dark fireplace, head bowed low, and as I walk closer, I see tears streaming freely down his face. I don’t remember this man. Varric, Bull and Cassandra stand beside him, talking in hushed voices. Confused and curious I move closer. Only my closest friends showed this much grief. Who is this man?

“He’s hurting,” a quiet voice murmurs behind me, making me jump. Cole stands calmly a couple of feet away, looking at the dwarf. “So sorry since seeing her.” Cole’s blue eyes momentarily flick to mine from under the wide brim of his hat.

“How did you know the Inquisitor?” Cassandra asks the dwarf in her kindest voice.

“I didn’t really,” he replies, his voice hoarse and heavy. “I haven’t seen her in twenty-six years or so.”

“Oh,” Varric breathes, realising before anyone else what the man is saying. “So it’s you?”

Bull’s eyebrow lifts as well, immediately catching up. And the other dwarf looks up at him in confusion. “What?”

“I’ve known Jaca for almost six years,” Varric continues. “She’s told me all about her past.”

“You’re her father,” Bull points out.

The dwarf wrings his hands nervously. “Yes,” he sighs a moment later. “My name is Faron. I am the man who gave her up.”

Too shocked to respond, I stare at the man in silence.

“I was young,” my father continues.  _ My father! I can’t believe it. _ “I couldn’t take care of a child: I had just become casteless, a surfacer. I had nowhere to go and no coin to bring up a child.”

“What of her mother?” Cassandra asks.

_ My mother? _

“Euryale… she,” Faron hesitates. “She wasn’t well - maddened by too much lyrium. A great mage. Great powers… but dangerous.” He cringes at the memory, and I can almost feel how much it hurts him to speak about this. Yet I keep listening intently. This is the most I’ve ever heard of my birth parents and why they truly gave me up. “I didn’t know of… Jaca until just before her birth. I tracked her mother down and stayed with her until she was born for the safety of them both. Her mother died giving birth to her.” The dwarf falls silent and bows his head.

I feel a sharp pang in my chest and want desperately to hug the stranger.

“So much sorrow,” Cole mumbles to himself. Varric glances up at him questioningly. “But I can help,” Cole adds. Now everyone looks at him. “She’s still here, but not here. Not alive, but in spirit - formless and reaching out like a breeze through an open window.”

“Thank you, young man,” Faron says, and smiles softly at Cole. With that he nods and leaves the hall.

“What do you mean, kid: ‘here but not here’?” Varric wonders.

“She is here; the Inquisitor. Or… I- I think it’s her. I can feel her, or something like her. But she’s not herself. A shape of an emotion. I can almost see her.”

Cole turns and looks directly at me. Varric and Bull follow his gaze, and even though I know they can’t see me, it feels as if they can. I back against the wall, unsure of what to do.

“Too far away, faded for too long,” Cole mutters.

“Okay, kid, let’s get some fresh air.” Varric pats him on the back and guides him out of the main hall. I begin to follow. However, Bull hesitates, looking around as if searching for something. I stop and walk up to him. He looks distraught. I’ve never seen him look like this before. All I want to do is hold his hand, hug him, show him that I’m here. I reach out and touch his arm, stroke it comfortingly. Bull turns his head towards me. My heart skips a beat.

_ Can he see me?  _ “Can you see me?”

Bull sighs heavily and rubs his face with both hands, and then walks out the door after the rest.

_ I guess not _ .

I watch his tall frame disappear out of view.

_ I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do. _

I hurry to follow him, keeping close to his heels as he crosses the courtyard and enters the Herald’s Rest. Most of the tavern’s regulars are here: the Chargers gathered in the back corner, Maryden playing a calm tone by the fireplace, Sutherland and company leaning on the banister upstairs, and many more. A couple of nobles have joined the crowd and are drinking quietly, but most are scattered around in the courtyard outside. The mood is uncommonly dour and makes me want to scream. Had people been able to see me I would have asked Maryden to play something uplifting. Had people been able to see me-

_ None of this would be happening right now. _

I stand by Bull’s side as he joins his men with a large tankard of the strongest mix he could coax out of Cabot. Krem asks him how he’s holding up to which Bull simply grunts. The Chargers give their condolences and drink in peace for a long while, but as more drinks slip down their throats, the mood lightens. By nightfall, as most customers have relocated for the great hall and a marvellous feast, Bull slumps back tiredly on his chair and asks for his umteenth refill.

“You’re not joining the others, chief?” Krem queries.

“Nah, too many nobles right now.” Bull wipes his mouth on the back of his hand. “Besides, one more drink and I’ll head upstairs.” And so he did.

Mug empty and stomach full, Bull lumbers up to the adjoining tower room where he collapses onto the groaning bed. I lay down beside him, Shadow jumping up at his feet, and I drape one arm loosely over Bull’s chest while taking his hand in my other. I watch him stare at the broken ceiling, I match my breath to his, and for a moment I feel as if nothing has changed. I let my eyes slide shut and listen to Bull’s steady breathing. It doesn’t take long before he’s relaxed under my touch and snoring. I snuggle closer to him and take a deep breath. How I have missed his heat. And how I have missed the musky smell of leather and dried sweat; the smell of Bull.

Bull groans in his sleep. He shifts. He pulls his hand out of mine and I open my eyes to look up at him. He looks like he is having a nightmare, so I sit up and scoot myself further up on the bed. I do as I used to whenever I woke to him thrashing around from bad memories: I lift his head into my lap, cross my legs under him and stroke my hands around his shoulders in small circles. I hum the lullaby that was sung to me when I was a child, and when I finish, seeing that Bull has relaxed, I bend down and kiss his forehead. I keep his head in my lap throughout the rest of the night, leaning against the headboard myself. It has always helped and I'm happy I can do at least this.

I am suddenly struck with the sad thought of Bull never knowing that I’m still here, doing this for him, soothing his pains. But I still feel good, because I can see how much better Bull now sleeps.

The morning comes all too soon, and as the sun spreads a soft light through the room and brings with it a cold wind, I shudder. What will I do now? No one can see me. No one can hear me. And I have nowhere to go. There’s not much I can do.

There’s a couple of soft knocks on the door to the tavern and then it opens. Shadow lifts his head and gives off a loud bark. I shush him, and he comes to sit by my side. Bull stirs with an annoyed grunt. Cole cautiously peers in.

“Hello,” he says, his eyes locking on Shadow who wags his tail in response. “You are here, are you not?” Cole adds, looking around. “I can feel you. A wisp of a being. Something similar, something old, but new.”

“Cole?” I say. It’s obvious that he’s not talking to Bull. Could it be he means me? I’m reminded by the way he had looked at me the previous day.

Cole’s eyes dart towards me still sitting on the bed with Bull in my arms.

“What are you?” he wonders, squinting under the shadow of his hat. “Like looking for something in a thick fog,” he says as if reading my mind.

“Can you see me?” I ask, feeling a spark of hope light in my chest. “Cole?”

“Yes?” He steps into the room, closing the door behind him, and approaches the bed, his eyes focused on me.

“What do you mean ‘what am I’?” I’ve been asking myself the same question more times than ever over the night.

“I can’t see you clearly enough. But I can feel you. You’re familiar, but also new.” Cole cocks his head to the side. “Are you her?”

Suddenly, unable to speak due to a strong wave of desperation and happiness for someone finally being able to make contact with me, I can only nod in response.

“It’s me,” I manage through the growing lump in my throat. “Jaca.”

Cole draws in a deep breath through his now gaping mouth. “Yes,” he says excitedly as the pieces fall together. “The Inquisitor!” I nod again, feeling the familiar stinging of tears in my eyes. “You’re her! But all new - faded for him,” Cole’s eyes dart to Bull.

Bull grunts again then and raises his hand to rub his good eye. “What are you doing in here kid? And who are you talking to?” he mutters sleepily in an irritated voice.

“The Inquisitor,” Cole replies with a straight face.

Bull frowns. It’s obviously too soon to speak of me so casually. I stroke his head for comfort and the wrinkles on Bull’s brow slowly fade away.

“She is watching over you,” Cole continues. “She is here.”

Bull lies quietly for a moment to let his words sink in. I wonder if Bull believes him.

“What do you mean?” Bull asks and sits up.

I move to sit beside him, to remain in Cole’s sight. Cole’s eyes flicker to me and then back to Bull. Bull notices this. He turns around and looks straight at me, but he can’t see me - I see it in his eyes; they’re aimed towards me but they’re not focused. My heart sinks. I’m overcome with desperation to reach out and hold him, but the thought of him not knowing if I do hurts even more.

“You’re hurting,” Cole blurts out then. His blue eyes drop to the bed.

Bull and I both look at him, wondering who he’s talking about.

“You miss her,” Cole adds. “She misses you too. You hurt. Both of you. So close but not. Like standing on either side of a wall. Sensing each other but unable to feel, to see.”

“Cole,” Bull says in a low voice. His eye glistens in the morning light. “Stop.”

“But she’s hurting too.” Cole mutters in despair, but he doesn’t say anything else.

I can see that Bull needs to think about this, to process it, so I get off the bed and approach Cole. Shadow jumps off after me, following at my heels.

“Come.” I hold my hand out to Cole without thinking that he can’t take it. I let it drop back to my side and cross the room to the tavern door. “He needs to be alone.”

Cole wants to protest, but I tell him to look at Bull; it’s the best way to help him right now. Eventually Cole accepts this and we leave the room.

We sit down in the corner of the attic where Cole has made himself at home. There are so many questions I want to ask him, thing I need reassured now that I know someone can hear me.

“How do you know who I am if you can’t see me properly?” I begin.

Cole hesitates for a moment before staring off into the distance as he begins speaking. “You’re still bright. Like counting birds against the sun. A blaze in the barren backdrop.”

“But if you can see me shouldn’t you know what I am?”

“It’s hard to see. A shapeless form from far away. You’re new.” Cole’s eyes met mine in a flash, and he leaned towards me, studying me closer. “Maybe in time…” he mused while chewing his lip. “Time will tell the tale of the yet untold.”

I dropped my gaze to the wooden floor. Would it really? How long would I have to wait?

“I’m a shapeless form? Like… a whisp?” I’d seen more than my share of those while traveling the south to close the rifts caused by Corypheus’ magic.

Cole nodded, and I tried to imagine what I looked like in his eyes, sitting here. But wouldn’t that mean everyone else should see me too?

“Why can no one else see me?” I wondered, hoping in vain that Cole had an answer.

“I don’t know,” he replied hopelessly.

I patted Shadow on the head as he stretched leisurely over my lap. “Can you see him?” I asked, indicating the dog. “Can anyone else? Or is he like me?”

“I can see him, because he’s a ghost. Others might feel him, but not see, like a tree root hidden in the grass, an invisible hurdle you might trip over if you don’t know it’s there.”

I chuckled at the comparison. I felt lighter laughing, like I could float away on a breeze if I wanted to. How odd.

After a moment, I drew a deep breath and looked back at the young man at my side.

“What can you tell about me?” I asked quietly, afraid to get only more vague answers.

“I know you’re the Inquisitor,” Cole replied confidently, meeting my eyes. “And you’re here.” He fell silent.

_ That’s it? _ I sighed. I shouldn’t blame him. I should be glad that at least he can see me.

“The Iron Bull is comforted by your presence,” Cole added.

I thought back on how Cole had found me in his room mere moments ago, cradling Bull’s head in my lap, stroking the worries from his body.

“I’m glad,” I replied, and pulled my knees to my chest in a tight hug. Shadow huffed a complaint and moved over to sprawl across Cole’s lap. I had been desperate for recognition since I gained consciousness in the Fade, not knowing what was happening to me. But knowing that I could be felt by the man I loved most in the world, even though he didn’t know it, warmed my heart. I only wished he could see me. Or hear me, at least.

“So I’m a spirit,” I murmur to myself, trying to let the fact set in. We sit in silence for a long while, listening to the people downstairs gradually stir awake. I move closer to the banister to watch Cabot and some scullery maids cleaning up after last night’s guests on the ground floor. None notice me, of course.  _ But if I am a spirit now, I should be seen. Especially since I left the Fade through a rift. No… I haven’t possessed a body. Is that why? But neither has Cole, and people see him.  _ They didn’t at first, I remind myself, when he was a spirit.

“I wish Solas was here. Maybe we should find him!” I burst out. “He helped us make you more human! Do you think he could’ve done that to me too? You didn’t possess a human body-”

“But I did,” Cole corrects me. “I told you of the real Cole: a mage, broken and starved; bloodied and bruised; locked away and forgotten in the Spire.”

_ How could I forget…  _ The little flicker of hope I had felt extinguished immediately.

“Solas could have helped,” Cole agrees then. We sigh in unison.

“Do you think everyone else is awake yet?” I wonder later on, looking out through the windows.

“Perhaps,” Cole offers.

“I’m going to take a walk. Do you want to come with me?”

“Alright.”

Cole, Shadow and I stroll the ramparts from the Herald’s Rest to the garden where we see a few priests enter the small chapel. The Chant of Light soon rings out into the crisp air, and even though I’m not a believer, the droning rhythm soothes me. We pause for a moment while Cole wanders off, called by someone’s pain. When he returns to my side, we resume our walk and eventually find ourselves in the main hall.

We find most of our friends sitting by one of the long tables, enjoying a light breakfast. The smell of smoke is still in the air, but the hall otherwise looks like it always has. Even the throne is back in its place on the dais. I go to take a seat next to Josephine. She stops in the middle of a sentence to look around.

“What?” Varris says at once, also looking over his shoulder on my other side.

“Odd,” Josephine murmurs, and returns to the others. “I could have sworn I felt someone tap me on my arm.”

“It wasn’t me,” Varric shrugged.

I look at Shadow where he’s sniffing around the legs of our friends. He must’ve nudged Josephine by accident. I smile and hum in thought. Maybe that’s how I should make myself known; use Shadow to touch people, to let them know I’m here? No. Cole can actually be seen and heard. I should make the most of it.

I look up to where Cole circles the table to find a seat for himself. No one pays him more attention than usual, only greeting him when he joins the group.

“Hey, kid,” Varric says. “You learned how to sleep yet?”

Cole shakes his head. “No.” He reaches for a bun from a basket and begins chewing on it like it has no taste. Varric watches him with a crooked smile. At least he’s eating now. He really is becoming more human.

“But do you believe it?” Varric’s hushed voice suddenly pulls me back to the current conversation between him, Cassandra and Vivienne at the end of the table. “I mean, the kid does say some weird stuff, but… he’s never been wrong. I don’t think he knows enough to say stuff like that just for comfort.”

“So you believe the Inquisitor is still with us?” Vivienne queries with scepticism, not bothering to keep her voice down, though it remains soft.

“The Chantry does say that our spirits pass through the Fade when we die,” Cassandra adds. She doesn’t sound sure of it herself, but they all know about what happened at Adamant and what we saw in the Fade. “Maybe she lingered, like the Divine?”

“But the Inquisitor said that she didn’t believe that it was Divine Justinia they saw,” Vivienne reminds her. “Jaca said she believed it to be a spirit.”

“Nonetheless, it helped her.”

“None of us were actually there,” Varric injects. “We should ask Dorian or Blackwall… I doubt Tiny would want to talk about it.”

Cole’s eyes stealthily follows the three as they speak. And not until they have fallen into silence does he open his mouth. “I saw the Inquisitor. She is a spirit,” he argues fiercely. “She  _ is _ here.”

Cassandra, Varric and Vivienne turn to look at him, all looking quite doubtful.

“Tell them!” Cole says, turning to me now.

Everyone turns to the supposedly empty chair between Varric and Josephine where I sit. I can feel the tension growing in the hall. Everyone is listening. Everyone is watching.

What happens if they can hear me all of a sudden? Should I say something?

“I’m here,” I say quietly, at first, but then repeat myself louder. “I’m here!” I look at Varric who has been one of my best friends for years, but he doesn’t shift, just stares right through me.

I sigh, breath heavy with defeat, and slump back in the chair. Cole follows suit.

“I’m sorry they can’t see you,” he murmurs. “I wish I could help. I want to help.”

“It’s okay,” I reply. “I wasn’t expecting it to work. We’ll find some way to make them see, eventually…”  _ I hope. _

“Yes.”

I spend the day wandering leisurely through Skyhold, followed by Shadow, tracing the steps I've taken so many times before. I check in on each of my friends, one at a time, just to see how they’re doing after what happened yesterday.

I eventually find myself back at the Herald’s Rest, crouched on the floor in the attic with Cole, quietly watching the patrons downstairs, when Bull comes out of his room. He looks tired, and I immediately regret not having stayed at his side throughout the day.

“I’m going with him,” I let Cole know, and follow as Bull makes his way downstairs.

He settles in his usual spot for a while, watching the people go about their business, until he heaves a sigh and walks over to Krem chatting merrily with Maryden.

“Any news?” Bull asks before either one can greet him.

“Not at the moment, chief,” Krem confirms. He looks Bull up and down, then adds: “You alright?”

“Fine,” Bull grumbles, then leaves the tavern. He rounds the building to where they’ve set up training dummies, picks up a sturdy staff, and begins whacking the potato sack-covered straw men. I watch in silence as he lets out all his emotions on the poor dummies. Straw flies around them in little puffs with each strike, and with each strike, Bull snarls. His snarls gradually turn into grunts, then shouts, but no words. People passing by give him sidelong looks, but no one steps in to calm the qunari. They all know: my absence is at fault.

_ Though I’m not really gone _ , I sigh to myself. “I really wish you could see me,” I tell him, while looking at the grey sky.

I don’t notice, but Bull’s movements stutter then. He shoots a glance over his shoulder in my direction, but shrugs it off just as quickly, before resuming his training.

I lean back against the cold back wall of the tavern, close my eyes, and let my mind wander. When Bull finally feels drained of frustration and heads to the main hall just in time for dinner, I have come no closer to a solution for my situation.

As night falls I once again join Bull in his room and cradle his head to keep away the bad dreams. Cole also has nothing new to try, so we leave it for the night.

Another day arrives. Bull is woken up by snow drifting into his room. He grunts at the hole in the roof, but doesn’t make an effort to get up, only turns over on one side. I smile at that as I adjust my position to accommodate one of his horns between my thighs. I remember one time when we were lying here, still breathless and hot after making love, when rain had suddenly come pouring down on us. We had barely noticed it, so tangled up in one another, until Bull pointed out how delicious I had looked soaking wet.

My cheeks heat up at the fond memory of that day. “I miss talking with you,” I whisper to his half-conscious form. “I miss being held by you.”

Bull hums in his sleep and pulls the blanket higher over his shoulders. There are no signs of worry on his face for now, and I feel grateful for getting to see that.

“Sleep well, chief?”

Krem greets Bull at the foot of the stairs in the Herald’s Rest, a sheet of paper in his hands.

“Mornin’,” Bull smiles at him. “I did.”

Krem smiles back at him and hands him the paper as he continues: “I thought you looked a little less like you’d been punched in the face.”

“Thanks,” Bull grumbles, but ignores Krem’s jabs. He skims the paper while continuing to make his way outside.

“I read the letter,” Krem adds, following at Bull’s heels. “I’m not sure we should get involved in this.”

Bull doesn’t reply for a moment while re reads and re-reads the contents of said item. I try to get a good look at it, but Bull’s holding it out of my reach. He pauses before climbing the stairs to the main hall. Krem and I watch him patiently.

Bull hums. “You’re right. But the pay is good, and it’s not too far away. But it would require most of the company. High risk, high reward.”

Krem folds his arms over his chest and looks up at his superior.

“It’s a suicide mission,” he counters.

A shiver runs through my entire body.  _ What!? _

“It’s a job, Krem,” Bull argues calmly.

“An unnecessary risk.”

Bull frowns. Krem and I both can’t believe what we’re hearing. Is Bull seriously considering taking on a suicide mission?

_ No. I can’t let that happen. I have to stop him before he does something stupid and gets himself killed! _

I leave him and Krem by the stairs and rush to find Cole.

“Cole!” I shout from the ground floor. As soon as I find him sitting against the banister in the attic where I left him with Shadow, he shoots up on his feet. “You have to come. Now.”

Without waiting for his reply, I hurry back outside to make sure Krem can handle Bull before passing them into the main hall.

“Shadow!” I call and immediately feel him nudge my leg. “I need your help.” I crouch down to see him, and he bounds excitedly around me. “Can you make Varric follow me outside?” I point to where Varric is sitting by the fireplace, immersed in paperwork.

Shadow barks in response. He runs over to the dwarf and bites into his leather boot, tugging at it persistently.

Varric looks down with a furrowed brow and Shadow tugs harder. “What the hell?”

“Yes,” I call out. “That’s it!”

“What’s going on?” Varric wonders loudly, looking around for the prankster disturbing him.

Shadow lets go of his boot and headbutts Varric in the side, causing the dwarf to stagger on the chair. Varric gets up and takes a few steps away, but Shadow is already nudging him backwards towards the entrance.

Though clearly confused, Varric steadily backs away until he’s right outside the doors. Then he hears Krem and Bull’s argument at the foot of the stairs and turns around. Shadow leaves him alone and returns to my side as I descend to stand between the mercenaries.

“What’s going on here?” Varric asks. He’s followed us successfully downstairs.

Krem and Bull fall silent at his words. Krem doesn’t respond, and Bull brushes him off, saying “Nothing”.

By then, Cole has joined us too.

His eyes are wide with worry as he directs them at Bull.

“You’re hurting and it makes her hurt - she just wants to help!” He pauses to look at me. I can feel the pain in his voice as he continues. “Like me,” he mumbles. “Like when I came here.”

The other three men look at him questioningly.

“Kid,” Varric warns him in a soft tone. I know he’s trying to protect Bull’s feelings, but this is something he needs to hear.

“Helping the hurt,” Cole mutters, lowering his gaze, hiding under the brim of his hat. “Comfort for the craving. She’s lost, trying to find herself. Compassion. Caring. But confused.”

Cole’s words suddenly hit home, and I freeze where I stand.  _ He’s right. _ I feel the way Cole probably did when he first joined the Inquisition, when he was just a spirit, lost in the world of the mortal.  _ I just want to help… _

All my life I’ve helped everyone. Everyone always came before me. I didn’t matter.

A jolt of realisation shoots through me.  _ That’s why I died. _ I helped someone without thinking about the consequences it would have on me.

I try to remember the details, but it’s all a blur. I don’t know who I was helping or why. I just know the outcome. It’s odd. I try to think back further, but everything is more or less like trying to see through murky water in direct sunlight.

“It’s hard at first.” Cole’s voice echoes somewhere at the back of my mind. Everything else fades away. “You will see more. Time will help you heal and remember before.”

_ I want to help. _

_ I… I want to help. _

“You don’t have to hurt anymore,” Cole continues, his voice further away.

I close my eyes. Everything goes dark for a moment. Then, as I open them again, I’m back in the courtyard, standing where I stood with Krem, Varric, Cole and Bull around me. But they’re all staring at me.

“What the...” Varric’s voice is a meek whisper.

Krem’s mouth hangs open, and Cole watched me like he’s always done, unfazed. But Bull… I look up at him. His eye is wide open, but I’m not sure what his expression is supposed to convey.

“Inquisitor?” Krem manages.

I glance at him, but can’t keep my eyes from Bull for too long; he hasn’t moved a single muscle.

“You can see me?” I whisper in disbelief and unconsciously reach out to touch Bull’s arm.

“Yeah,” Varric huffs.

“Bull?” I can feel the warmth of his skin against mine. A shiver rushes through me. I can tell it’s the same for him.  _ He can feel me _ . “Bull,” I sigh. Tears all from my eyes as I step closer. “I missed you.” I lean my forehead against his chest and breathe in his scent.

“You’re here.” His voice is rough and broken when he finally speaks into my ear. His strong arms wrap around me in a tight embrace, and I feel like I’m home. I am where I should be. A comfortable warmth washes over me and I feel like I could melt away in his arms. I hold him close, as close as I can. The world around us disappears. I lose myself in his presence.

Only when Varric speaks up, are we forcefully dragged back to reality.

“Okay, someone please explain what’s going on here.”

I won’t let go of Bull, nor he of me, but we turn to look at Varric, who continues to question the situation.

“How are you here?” he asks, bewildered. “Is it really you? Where did you come from? Where have you been? Did you… you know?” He gestures vaguely at me.

“I don’t know,” is all I can say. “I honestly don’t know.”

“You’re obviously not human… so, what? Are you like that spirit you said you saw in the Fade of the Divine?”

At that, Bull’s grip loosens around me. I look up at him, but he avoids eye-contact.

Grief tugs at my heart. “I don’t know,” I sob and snivel. “I’m so lost.” I break down completely, my knees giving way beneath me. But Bull’s hands are firm on my arms.

“Wandering and woeful,” Cole mutters to himself. “A spirit seeking solace.”

They all look at him for a moment.

“So, she is a spirit?” Varric asks.

“Yes,” Cole confirms in a small voice, also avoiding to look anyone of us in the eye. “But now she’s real. She’s here. You can see her. You know her.”

“But she can’t be real. She doesn’t have a body, I mean… we… the other day…” Varric hesitates. “But she kinda looks like herself.”

_ Kinda? _ “What do you mean: ‘kinda’?” I ask. I release my grip on Bull and turn to face Varric fully, to let him know just how serious I am. I don’t look like myself?  _ Oh yeah, Cole did say I looked like a whisp before. But how do they know I’m me if I don’t look like myself? _

“You do look like Jaca,” Varric explains. “But it’s like you’re made of fog, or like you’re just a reflection, or something.”

I look at myself for the first time. In my eyes I look like I always have. Solid as anything, in a human body. Something in me must be real since Bull can touch me.

“Everything in the Fade is real: reality shapes itself around a person’s thoughts,” Cole says, and for a moment I recall Solas’ countless explanations of the world beyond the Veil. “She is from the Fade, and whatever she believes is real to her. Maybe.” Cole hesitates, wringing his hands. “Maybe that’s why she can be felt now, because she thinks she’s real after finding out that you can see her.”

Doubt clouds my mind.  _ So I am real, but not real? I look like a human, sort of, but I’m not one. I’m a spirit from the Fade who’s taken on the looks of Jaca Trevelyan… Was I ever her? I can’t even remember my life before I left he Fade. Maybe those clouded memories from before that time are stories I’ve heard of her, or impressions I’ve caught from other beings from the Fade. _

I cast my gaze at the ground at my feet. I feel as if it will split open beneath me at any second and swallow me in darkness, and when I once more open my eyes I will find myself back in the Fade.

_ How long will I last in the mortal world? Can’t I stay here? I want to stay. For Bull. For my friends. To help people. My- Jaca’s job isn’t done. _

Suddenly, a heavy weight presses down on my shoulder. Bull looks down at me.

“It’d be nice if you stayed,” he says with a gentle smile on his lips.

I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Can I?”

“Of course you can,” Varric interjects. “If you’re really like Cole, then you’re one of us.”

So even if I might not actually be Jaca, I can be one of them? “Then...” I take a deep breath. “I want to stay.”

Bull turns me to face him, then leans down and plants a soft kiss to the top of my head.

With the help of my friends, I regain the memories of my past or who Jaca was before her death. And as time passes, I get used to being what I am now: I no longer need sleep, food or drink. I only need to help people. It’s the only constant in my new life.  _ Or should I call it existence? _ I discover that if I don’t do at least this, I will slowly begin to fade. I forget what I am doing, why I am where I am, or who I am. If no one catches on, I drift away until they remember. Usually it’s Cole who remembers first, but Bull is right behind him. I like to think his love for me, though in a new form, persists. In Bull’s arms - though unsure of holding a spirit at first - I find my anchor to the mortal world. He reminds me of why I am where I am.

“Yes,” I agree as he explains this once more after a rough few weeks due to his absence. “I get to stay because I can help, because I want to help.”

And in my need to help others, I became a virtue embodied. I became compassion.


End file.
